Life is a bitch

The mantra of life is
that life is a bitch.
A impractical fool like me
refused to accept this
for a long, long time.
But my obstinacy was useless.

Life has taught me to accept it.
I had protested
to myself
as there was no one else to listen.

I do not hate myself
but why am I
like this?
I had thought that
I had got a raw deal.
That it was unfair
what had happened to me.
That justice would come come one day.

But it never came.
The world moved on.
I understood that
no one cared a damn.
I recollected then the saying
"if there is nothing you can do
when getting raped
then lie back and enjoy it".

Life is a bitch.
But it hurts me
to accept the fact.
So I write these lines
not because I hope that
someone will read and understand
but because it helps me
release the poison that is inside me.

The day she said "no"

I remember the day she said "no".
I had offered everything I had.
My body, my soul,
my self esteem.
Everything.
And as I stood there
weak, open and vulnerable,
she said "no".

She had been good to me.
Smiled smiles
I thoughts were only for me.
I remember her first kiss,
and the first time we made love.

But at that one second
I understood.
All those moments were worth nothing.
I was worth nothing.
May be she had just played with me
for fun and frolic.
May be I was not man enough for her.
But what do I tell myself?
How do I heal the bloody wound
she gave me
when she said "no"?

I have cried,
nay, yelled without sound;
yelled in anguish.
But the wound till this day remains
and festers all the time.

Shadows of the past

There are moments in life
when dark and frightening shadows
frighten me.
Shadows of the ghosts of childhood
I had thought I had rid off.
But they live
and haunt me.
During such moments
I am a little child again.
A frightened child
who was small once,
defenceless,
squashed, mauled by circumstances.
The mangled remains of the child
is me today.